The night before

Well, it is the night before my surgery, and I think I have everything in order. I've packed what I need to bring, brought Allie to her friend's house, said good night to Justin, and now am ready for bed.

Oh, and I did the colon prep. What crazy person invented that? Can't they just flush things out with a hose while they are in there? It would be much easier. As it is, things are feeling quite sensitive right now.

I'm super nervous. This is sort of like when I had my hysterectomy. I knew it was the right thing to do, but it was just so PERMANENT. This feels that same way. Scary, exciting - all emotions at the same time right now.

Hopefully I can update from the hospital. If not, I will ask Jim to do a short update at home in the evenings.

All will go well. I'm ready.

Snip candy

I miss my snip candy that Terese sent me. The other night Jim discovered the mouse's nest, and he had built it out of snip candy. Jim cleaned it up and went in search of the mouse, with no luck. During the middle of the night Jim awoke to the sounds of the mouse scurrying around. Sure enough, the mouse had re-discovered the snip candy and was going back and forth, back and forth, moving it to his new location in the blinds. Jim tried to wake Jack up to come out and help him catch the mouse, all Jack did was sit on the floor yawning, whining about wanting to go back to bed. Jack left the nest and went and bought mouse traps. He then came back to take down the new snip candy nest, only to find it gone. Again. He loaded the traps, but our mouse is too evasive - he knew better. Jim then found another nest, once again of snip candy. The mouse just keeps moving it. (Why is the snip candy not being thrown away outside? This is my question for Jim later...) At this point, however, I am starting to be impressed with the mouse's evasive maneuvers, and a small part of me is rooting for the mouse. Especially because the traps are NOT the humane kind. I don't want to hurt the mouse - I just want him to live somewhere else. Ideally we could catch it and drive it to the Wildlife Refuge, but Jim looked at me like I was a little loco when I suggested that.

All I know is that the mouse STOLE my snip candy and that makes me sad!

That's not chocolate

Merry Christmas. It was a good day today, with the exception of some extremely crabby moments whenever food was mentioned. Being Christmas, it was mentioned a lot. But the kids were happy with all their presents, Jim liked his (which I think might be a first!), and I got what I wanted too. Jack was super funny - he figured out the joy of a stocking. Allie helped him with it, and he had a huge doggy grin and seemed to figure out that more and more treats were coming out of it. He was quivering with joy and excitement. Once his was emptied of all his goodies, he turned and immediately concluded that ALL stockings were for him.

I mentioned in my previous post about my friend Terese sending me some of her 'snip candy'. I couldn't find it today. I looked and looked, then finally decided in a huff of indignation that Jim or the kids probably took it away from me. Tonight, as I am getting ready for bed, I've been looking for the snip candy again. I finally found the box, tipped on its side, on the side of my desk. Almost as if it had been pushed. Weird. Really weird. My initial thought was how many snips can I save, then my next thought was why are there so FEW snips on the ground. That was soon followed by why are the chocolate crumbs on the ground? I brushed it off, thinking nothing, and sat up at my desk here to take my meds and type. Weird, but there are more chocolate crumbs on my desk. And they are all the same little oval shape. At this point, I am starting to think, "What the hell?" So I smushed one. Weird consistency.

And then a slow dawning...that's NOT chocolate. And another dawning....my snip candy WAS pushed. By a RODENT.

I just went and looked around, and sure enough, tell tale little droppings are on Jim's desk, the floor, and in a couple of corners.

SHOOT. I'm now willing to bet that the weird little scratching I heard last night wasn't Jack scraping his nails. It woke me up, and I thought, "What on earth is Jack doing to make that noise?"

Me thinks it wasn't Jack.

Me thinks there is a mouse in my house.

Day six

Day six of no food. Six and a half actually, because I stopped eating early on Saturday. It also happens to be Christmas Eve. Woo-hoo!

Surviving on this few calories is the hardest thing I have ever done. Those who know me know I have a strong interest in WWII, especially the holocaust. Having met survivors and seen cells and hideaways when I was in Paris, along with visiting several museums, over the years I have become interested in reading biographys and autobiographies with a sense of wonder and awe at these amazing people and how they survived the horrors of the Nazis.

Of course I would never even presume to compare not eating to those times. I feel selfish even mentioning any correlation between this and then. I at least have safety, a home, family, and security. However, I have been given a glimpse of what it is like to survive on virtually no calories. I've done it for one week. They did it for YEARS. Imagine. IT SUCKS.

And one simple week and I am a wreck. I have no energy. I have limited concentration. I am crabby beyond belief, short tempered, easily angered, have the urge to cry constantly (point in case - I just opened a package that Jim handed me from the mail from my close friend Terese. Terese, who knows the right words to say for comfort in any situation. I opened it up....and the box said Godiva Chocolates. I burst into laughter AND tears at the same time, thinking how did she get it so wrong? I then OPENED the box to find my favorite thing from one of her family traditions - old fashioned snip candy, which I think I CAN have, in moderation at least. So then I started crying again that I had doubted her, when OF COURSE she got it just right! Thank you Terese!), and I pretty much want to curl up in bed and hide.

BUT...today is December 24th. Christmas Eve. We are going to my sisters where there will be plenty of food, but also plenty of people to chat with. The kids are already making noise about wanting to go to bed, so that the presents will arrive by morning. And best of all, I only have THREE MORE DAYS to go! The 25th, 26th, and 27th.

The day before surgery will be a nightmare of its own - NO calories at all, just water and drinking bowel prep. Which is going to make for a FUN day. But I anticipate that it will be SO over the top that it will be humorous. Then the 29th, and it is over. I will have made it.

Jack is looking tasty

You know I am hungry when: My beloved dog, Jack, is starting to look tasty. Grilled with a bit of barbecue sauce.

Poor Jack. But seriously, I am HUNGRY. Have you ever noticed how every other commercial on TV is about food? And how most TV shows revolve around food?

I have been dreaming of food, thinking non stop about food, regretting certain foods that I forgot to eat and say 'good bye' to, and generally obsessed with food.

The most pathetic part is when I console myself, reminding myself that in a YEAR or so I can indulge in HALF a turkey sandwich. That's just pitiful.

I know it wont be like this after the surgery- I wont feel hunger the same and seeing and feeling the results are going to make it all so worthwhile. But this initial pre-surg push? Painful.

Food for thought

I haven't had food since dinner on Saturday. We went out to Applebee's for a joint birthday-for-the-kids-my-last-meal dinner and I enjoyed it immensely. I stuffed myself with a steak, half of Allie's three cheese chicken penne, and a strawberry cheesecake dessert shooter. I even had soda that wasn't diet!

Now, for the next ten days I am on a protein shake and water diet for rapid weight loss before surgery. The point is that you lose quite a bit of fat from around your liver, making it easier for the surgeon to move it out of the way and get to your stomach.

Apparently I will adjust in a few days, but right now it is quite miserable. Mentally I have prepared myself pretty well for this - I keep telling myself, "Eyes on the prize." I know how much this is going to benefit my health. I spent the last couple weeks saying 'good bye' to certain foods I wont be able to eat again - sausage Mcmuffins, Steak-Um sandwiches (which really, I think I am the only person that actually likes those things...), chocolate, etc. So far I am still able to laugh about the ridiculous-ness of seeing food but not being able to eat it.

You don't get to be my size by eating lightly. I would guess that my past daily calorie intake has been at least 3000-4000 per day. The  protein shake packets I am drinking (5 per day) have 60 calories each, with a total of 150 once the skim milk is added. They are sugar free. The rest of the day I drink water - I have to have a minimum of 64 ounces a day. That's only 750 calories a day.

Yesterday I was starving. I had to go grocery shopping for Jim and the kids and it was shear torture. I was eyeing some of the nastiest foods and thinking, "Ooooh, that would taste so GOOD right now!" It was worse, too, because Jim wanted mainly convenience foods for the next couple weeks, so I was getting pizza rolls, frozen dinners, frozen pancakes, deli meat, sugared cereal, etc. YUM. But...none for me. When I got home I let Jim know that HE will be doing the grocery shopping for a while!

Today I'm not hungry, but everything hurts. I am guessing that I am having sugar withdrawal.  I am shaky, sweaty, the toilet and I are intimately aquainted, I have leg and arm cramps, a headache, etc. EYE ON THE FREAKIN' PRIZE! :) I have one cup of coffee in the morning, and I don't care what anyone else says, Splenda does NOT taste like sugar.

I keep hearing the soundtrack from Oliver in my head..."Food glorious food..." I have also had Oliver's famously stated phrase, "Please sir, may I have some more?" go through my head a couple times, but since that phrase is now more associated with a line from the 80s movie 'Porky's', all I do is giggle when I think it.

Once I am past the sugar withdrawal I am hoping this wont be so bad. And after the surgery and I start feeling the health benefits and seeing the weight loss, I am guessing I wont miss the junk food at all.

Until then, if someone were to dance a M&M past my face they would be in danger of losing a hand.

Medication

Ever since I can remember I have been on anti-depressants. The medication I have been on for the past year is called Cymbalta. It has worked well for me. Unfortunately, it is only available in a timed release form. After my surgery, I can't take any timed release medications, because, well, they won't have time to release!

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday to discuss a change. He recommended Effexor. It is in the same family as Cymbalta and would be a lateral move. Because of this, I don't need the necessary weeks of weaning off the old and then weaning on to the new medication. However, the change is not without side effects.

The doctor said that for a few days I will experience headaches, nausea, and ELECTRIC SHOCKS shooting out of my hands. He said it had something to do with neuro-transmitters emptying and then filling again, blah, blah, blah. I didn't quite understand the explanation.

What I did understand is that for the next few days everyone may refer to me as the Emperor. Strong with me is the Dark Side.

A-ha moments

I've been thinking about weight loss surgery for about 5 years, but never looked into it. It seemed so drastic. I couldn't imagine having to give up, forever, so many of my favorite foods. I've known people that have been successful with the surgery and others who have put the weight back on. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a risky candidate for surgery - infections seem to find me where ever I am.

I met with a nurse clinician at Park Nicollet Bariatric Center in August. She herself had had gastric bypass surgery. She told me about what she calls 'a-ha' moments. An a-ha moment is the moment is a moment of enlightening. The moment you go from thinking about something to actually making a decision. You can also have a-ha moments after the decision has been made - moments that re-affirm your decision.

Mine happened in early August.

After Justin had finally recovered from his surgeries, we went out an bought him a 3 wheeled recumbent trike - thanks to a grant from Gillette. Justin has never been able to ride a bike before, and here was one that not only could he ride, but he loved it as well. For the first time ever we made plans to go on a family bike ride. Jim dug my bike out of storage and off the four of us went.

After I had ridden past only TWO houses, I was so winded, tired, and sore that I couldn't continue. I had to stop, go home, and see my family go on a bike ride without me. I MISSED my son's first bike ride! That was devastating to me.

It was an a-ha moment. Food is not worth missing out on these moments. My health is bad - I have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, arthritis in my knees and ankles, six discs in my back have gone bad, reflux, depression, chronic pain everywhere from the weight, nerve damage, etc. Food is NOT worth my health.

So I made the first step, and I called Park Nicollet and made the appointment with that nurse clinician.

I had had my a-ha moment.

Only I could almost kill myself cleaning a bathroom

Odd things seem to happen to me, more often than they do to most people. I don't know why. I am having Roux-n-Y Gastric Bypass surgery in 24 days. Since I tend to have complications with surgeries (infections, slow to recover, etc.) my plan has been to get my house as clean as possible before hand. That way my husband and kids will only have to focus on picking up, not actual deep cleaning. Today was the downstairs bathroom's turn. This bathroom is used by Jim and I, but for some reason it tends to get a hundred times dirtier that the kid's bathroom does. I blame it on the hairspray. A few pumps of hairspray in the mornings create a slightly sticky film, to which everything, especially Jim's beard, stick to. That and the fact that since no one ever sees this bathroom, it usually finds itself on the bottom of the to-do list, which I rarely make it to. The sink doesn't drain properly, leading to a build up of beard shavings, soap scum, make up, tooth paste, etc. One of these days I expect the shower will just turn in on itself, creating a vaccuum into which it just disappears altogether.

So today I listed it as number ONE priority, just to get it over with. I learning something new while cleaning. I poured a couple gallons of bleach into the toilet to soak, covered the shower floor and walls with bleach, and also poured some along the baseboards on the linoleum. Overkill? Maybe. I then took Scrubbing bubbles and sprayed everything down with that, as well. Last but not least, I squirted the shower walls and the sink down with Lime Away. My intent was to let everything soak before I attacked with scrub brushes.

Guess what an ingredient in Lime Away is? Pneumonia. It wasn't long (a few seconds) before my throat and eyes started to burn, and I honestly felt I couldn't get any air to my lungs. Holding my breath, I turned on the shower and sink, turned on the vent, closed the door and got out. Do you know what happens when you mix bleach and pneumonia? It produces a fast acting poisonous gas. I KNEW that. I just didn't know the Lime Away ingredients. I spent the next few minutes filling buckets with water from the laundry sink and then dashing in to wash away the chemicals.

 An hour has gone by and my eyes still burn.